if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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