So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
