My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
