I should be sponsored by Trojan
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
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