You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
