well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
