i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
