just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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