I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
