I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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