its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
