I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
