sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
All the doctor said was why
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize