Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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