I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
