Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
