I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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