I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
