ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
God I need to hump something, right now.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
