We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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