The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
