glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
