Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
