I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
