I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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