my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
