u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
