the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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