I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
