I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
