Farmville is her only friend.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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