Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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