she looked like the bat from fern gully.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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