you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
