he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
