so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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