omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
