I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
