You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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