My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
