mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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