It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
