If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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