It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
