i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
