No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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