I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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