I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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