I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
