I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
