I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
