I skipped work to stalk him.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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