My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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