Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
