I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
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