When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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