I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize