Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
