May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize