is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Randomize
