I have demons in me.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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