Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
