He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
