He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize