It's a beautiful day for a hangover
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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