Screwed.edu
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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